I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
