I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
