Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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