just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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