the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Randomize
