Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
