I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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