Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
