Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
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