I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
