I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
