my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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