I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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