What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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