Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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