I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
