So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
