do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
