my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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