So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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