Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
