I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
