I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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