somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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