Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I love you.
Bad choice
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
