I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
