I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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