I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I wish there were birth control emojis
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
