So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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