i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
