I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
cat food counts as protein by the way
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
