I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
