What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
She even gives head with a lisp.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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