You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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