i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
