i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
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