Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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