Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
