In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
