apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
