Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
