You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
