I think my fart just growled at me.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
