i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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