my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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