I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
