so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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