Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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