Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
