you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
