Can i not drive my cunt home
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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