If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
