your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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