I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
