apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Drake has all the answers
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
