It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
