I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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