There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
