You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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