dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
